Sabotage

19 Feb

Tonight on the Biggest Loser one of the contestants had a hard week and I saw myself in her story. Gina has been the biggest loser week to week but hit some bumps in the road. Bob asked her if she was nervous about her weight loss this week and whether she was sabotaging herself.

Suddenly Bob was not on TV but in my living room.  “Anne, you have had so much success so far. You have lost over 80 pounds, but now you are struggling.  What are you afraid of? Why are you eating like this? Are you trying to sabotage yourself?”

Crap. That’s it. What am I afraid of? Why am I trying to keep myself from further success? Why do I feel defeated before I even try? What is with self sabotage?

Truth is that I have not been here my whole life….I was the fat girl with glasses. I don’t know what it is like to be smaller than a 16. I don’t know what an average size tummy is supposed to look like. I remember feeling like I was huge in high school…and that happens to be the size I am now. I can’t imagine this other side…the fit and healthy lifestyle continued. Will I fit in?  Will I be able to keep up if I join a running club…or will I be the fat girl falling behind the pack?

This year Valentine’s Day was awesome because for the first time in a long time I can say I am truly happy with life and proud of my accomplishments. I accept compliments instead of trying to dismiss them. I take every chance I get to flex my new muscles. I show off my size 12 finds from Clothes Mentor. I kill it at kick boxing class. I am happy where I am…it is on the verge of familiar. I’m not convinced I deserve more…or that I can do more…. How do I break through this?

I don’t know….and I’m totally open to suggestions. But what I do know is that to get something different I need to do something different. Damn, this is hard.

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